It Was The Chad

(of course it was)

Random Words, Random Story Ideas

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Writing exercise: Use a random word generator to come up with two random words, then brainstorm a story inspired by those words.

Random words: Gang, Monster

A group of middle school band geeks have their music room trashed by school bullies. They decide to form their own gang to protect their turf. The gang of dorks and nerds use mind games instead of physical violence, drawing on D&D lore and making the entire school think the band room is haunted by a fearsome monster.

Random words: Sheet, Exile

In a harsh city, one of the worst punishments is Sheet Exile. The condemned is given a bed sheet and a few minutes to gather anything they can within it. They are then exiled from the city, allowed only to bring with them what’s in the sheet. Outside the city, a harsh and deadly environment awaits them. We follow one man as he is condemned, packs his sheet, and cleverly uses its contents to survive and ultimately return to the city.

Random words: Monkey, Saucer

Aliens have been abducting humans for years, taking them up into their saucers and experimenting on the pliant species. When the aliens try to do the same to a group of monkeys, however, they find that not all of Earth’s species are so easy to work with. The monkeys rebel and kill all the aliens, but the monkeys remain trapped on the flying saucer. By randomly pressing buttons, they eventually manage to crash the saucer in a human city. Humans see the monkeys fleeing from the saucer and assume the monkeys are invading aliens.

Random words: Order, Mouse

A young boy watches an older man with OCD repeatedly struggle to leave their apartment complex. The man is repeatedly distracted or turned back by his disorder, and the boy wants to help. He dresses as a mouse – an old Halloween costume – and calls himself Order Mouse. He makes it his duty to keep things in order along the older man’s path and to help the man leave his apartment.

Random words: Mustard, Fax

In the nineties, a secretary set a disastrous chain of events in motion when a dab of mustard from her sandwich blotted out a word and altered the message of a fax she was instructed to send to the president of the United States.

Random words: Fair, Fare

Unable to afford a ticket, a young boy sneaks into a rural fairground. Just inside, he’s met by a witch who tells him he is welcome to see the sights and to ride the rides but that he must not partake of any food or drink within the fair. “Why not?” the boy asks, but he gets no explanation. The boy eventually finds himself more interested in answering this question than experiencing the wonders of the fair.

How Would You Rate Your Mother’s Death?

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Shortly after my wife’s mother’s funeral, we received a letter from the funeral home thanking us for our patronage and wishing us the best under these hard circumstances. It then ended by telling us to expect a forthcoming survey and that they hoped we would be able to rate their services ten out of ten in all aspects. Yes, just like a car dealership.

The funeral services were, in fact, very nice, but really? A survey?

So, in a morbid humor, my wife and I envisioned a twisted questionnaire arriving in our mailbox. The envelope is black, the paper thick and smooth to the touch. The letter is sealed in the old fashioned style with a disc of brittle wax, also black and stamped with the visage of a weeping skull.

We crack the wax and pull out a magnificently hand-lettered note followed by a series of questions. With some trepidation, we begin to read.

Fellow Grievers,

I thank you again for your contribution this past month. I understand your hearts may be broken, but you are well aware that souls must be collected and the selection of your mother was in no way a personal assailment of your family.

In order to help future deaths run as smoothly as possible, I would be greatly appreciative if you would take a few minutes to complete the following survey about your mother’s death. Please mark your answers in the blood of a survivor and leave the survey on your kitchen counter. I will send a minion to pick it up in the dark of night.

Thank you again for your patronage, and don’t hesitate to summon me if I can assist you in any way.

Yours for eternity,
[signature illegible – starts with a ‘D’]

 

 

Death Satisfaction Survey

Question 1 – On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with your mother’s death?

Question 2 – Overall, how would you rate the thoroughness of your mother’s death?

Question 3 – Before learning of your mother’s death, were you asked to sit down?

Question 4 – Was your mother’s death suitably shocking to family and friends?

Question 5 – During the grieving process, what percentage of people you spoke with asked “How are you doing?” or “How are you holding up?”

Question 6 – In your deepest despair after your mother’s death, would you describe your feelings as haunted, despondent, wretched, bitter, woebegone, cheerful, ablepharus, or “meh”? Circle all that apply.

Question 7 – If your mother were to die again tomorrow, what, if anything, would you change about her death? Please be specific.

Question 8 – Based on your overall experience, how likely are you to recommend your mother’s death to others?

Question 9 – Would you like your eventual death handled in a similar manner? (Please note that we cannot guarantee a particular death for any individual. Your response is taken in aggregate and used as input for the larger pool of deaths worldwide.)

Question 10 – Do you have any additional suggestions or comments regarding the concept or process of death?

 

Thank you again for your involuntary participation in the circle of death and your voluntary participation in this survey of death. Your cooperation will be remembered when your time comes.

Rivals

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I’ve been working on a couple epic designs for the corn hole boards that I built with my dad. I’m now proud to reveal those designs.

Today, I printed them onto a fabric-like paper with sticky backing. I’ll stick those to the boards and then polyurethane over the whole thing. The designs and prints came out great, and I’m super excited about the final product.

The designs themselves really don’t have an explanation. They’re characters that we like, pitted against each other. What’s wrong with that?

One board is Karen’s and one is mine. I’ll let you guess which is which.