It Was The Chad

(of course it was)

Jessie J and Crew Tackle Gun Rights With New Hit, “Bang, Bang”

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Pop music often serves as a dull lens on society, focusing a general lack of intellect into a two-and-a-half-minute shiny shell of senselessness. Whether it’s Adele pretending she’s some sort of super hero who can set rain on fire or John Lennon’s shallow “classic” about daydreaming to avoid the real world, pop music is about as introspective as a drunken conga line headed for a steep cliff.

That’s why it’s so refreshing to see a young group of songstresses put serious thought into one of the tough issues of our time. Artists Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj recently released an intellectual debate on the gun rights issue disguised in the form of a hit pop song entitled “Bang Bang.” In the catchy song, each of the three singers argues for a side, weaving their opposing viewpoints melodically through this enchanting dialogue of ideas.

What’s even more interesting is that, in true debate style, these artists don’t necessarily sing for the side they actually associate with. Jessie J, for example, represents the stiff upper lip of Britain in a headlining role, but she takes the brave stance of pro-gun-rights in the song.

[Verse 1 – Jessie J:]
She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time
She got a booty like a Cadillac, but I can send you into overdrive (oh)
(You’ve been waiting for that, stop, hold up, swing your bat)
See anybody could be bad to you,
You need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah

Jessie comes out swinging (or should I say shooting?) in her opening lines. Setting the stage for a true battle of intellects, Ms. J weaves literary metaphor with personal experience and down-to-earth logic.

“The gun is sexy,” she implies, “the gun is fast.” Every American can appreciate these basic truths. But guns are about more than sex appeal, and Jessie knows the true evil that lurks in humans: “Anybody could be bad to you,” and swinging a baseball bat is just not going to keep you safe in the modern world. “You need a good (gun) to blow your mind.” Yeah.

[Verse 2 – Ariana Grande:]
She mighta let you hold her hand in school, but I’mma show you how to graduate
No, I don’t need to hear you talk the talk, just come and show me what your mamma gave (oh, yeah)
(You’ve got a very big shhhh, mouth but don’t say a thing)
See anybody could be good to you,
You need a bad girl to blow your mind.

Next into the pulpit is Ms. Grande who speaks for the more liberal minded and, perhaps, optimistic crowd. Representing the educated elite (those who know “how to graduate”), Arianna expresses a strong confidence in the government (“your mamma”) to keep us safe.

As anyone can read into the lyrics, Arianna is basically saying, “Yes, the government gave you the right to carry firearms along with the right to free speech, but the founding fathers certainly never intended for you to have such a “big shhhh” (aka, fully automatic rifles) nor for you to speak your mind against just anything you don’t like.” Ever the optimist, Ms. Grande insists that humans are inherently good and should be treated as such until they prove otherwise (at which point your mamma will step in to protect you).

[Verse 3 – Nicki Minaj:]
(You know what girls?
Let me show you how to do)
It’s Myx Moscato
It’s frizz in a bottle
It’s Nicki full throttle
It’s oh, oh
Swimming in the grotto
We winning in the lotto
We dipping in the pot of blue foam, so
Kitten so good
It’s dripping on wood
Get a ride in the engine that could
Go, Batman robbin’ it
Bang, bang, cockin’ it
Queen Nicki dominant, prominent
It’s me, Jessie, and Ari
If they test me they sorry
Ride us up like a Harley
Then pull off in this Ferrari
If he hanging we banging
Phone ranging, he slanging
It ain’t karaoke night but get the mic ’cause I’m singing (uh)

B to the A to the N to the G to the uh (baby)
B to the A to the N to the G to the hey

See anybody could be good to you,
You need a bad girl to blow your mind (your mind)

Finally, ever the voice of reason, Ms. Minaj steps up to the mic and calmly puts everything into perspective. In a rubber-bullet-machine-gun burst of syllables, Nicki simultaneously embraces both sides and brings them in for a handshake. “We’re not so different in our views,” her lyrics imply.

I couldn’t make her lyrics any clearer, so I won’t bother with a line by line interpretation. Suffice it to say that Ms. Minaj once again appeals to all walks of life from alcoholics to swim fans to lottery winners to cat lovers to Thomas the train and Batman fans t0 bikers and even lonely karaoke singers. B to the A, indeed!

More than just a commentary on present day politics, I truly believe this song has the power to shape the future of our planet. No matter your views on the gun issue, a good pop song debate can make us all feel better about the over/under-abundance of weapons/self-defense-tools in the world.

And since all I’ve really done here is re-state the philosophies of three powerful thinkers, I might as well let these great ladies have the final say on the issue of gun rights:

Bang, bang into the room (I know you want it)
Bang bang all over you (I’ll let you have it)
Wait a minute let me take you there (ah)
Wait a minute ’till ya (ah)

Imagine that, John Lennon!

How Would You Rate Your Mother’s Death?

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Shortly after my wife’s mother’s funeral, we received a letter from the funeral home thanking us for our patronage and wishing us the best under these hard circumstances. It then ended by telling us to expect a forthcoming survey and that they hoped we would be able to rate their services ten out of ten in all aspects. Yes, just like a car dealership.

The funeral services were, in fact, very nice, but really? A survey?

So, in a morbid humor, my wife and I envisioned a twisted questionnaire arriving in our mailbox. The envelope is black, the paper thick and smooth to the touch. The letter is sealed in the old fashioned style with a disc of brittle wax, also black and stamped with the visage of a weeping skull.

We crack the wax and pull out a magnificently hand-lettered note followed by a series of questions. With some trepidation, we begin to read.

Fellow Grievers,

I thank you again for your contribution this past month. I understand your hearts may be broken, but you are well aware that souls must be collected and the selection of your mother was in no way a personal assailment of your family.

In order to help future deaths run as smoothly as possible, I would be greatly appreciative if you would take a few minutes to complete the following survey about your mother’s death. Please mark your answers in the blood of a survivor and leave the survey on your kitchen counter. I will send a minion to pick it up in the dark of night.

Thank you again for your patronage, and don’t hesitate to summon me if I can assist you in any way.

Yours for eternity,
[signature illegible – starts with a ‘D’]

 

 

Death Satisfaction Survey

Question 1 – On a scale of 1 to 10, how satisfied are you with your mother’s death?

Question 2 – Overall, how would you rate the thoroughness of your mother’s death?

Question 3 – Before learning of your mother’s death, were you asked to sit down?

Question 4 – Was your mother’s death suitably shocking to family and friends?

Question 5 – During the grieving process, what percentage of people you spoke with asked “How are you doing?” or “How are you holding up?”

Question 6 – In your deepest despair after your mother’s death, would you describe your feelings as haunted, despondent, wretched, bitter, woebegone, cheerful, ablepharus, or “meh”? Circle all that apply.

Question 7 – If your mother were to die again tomorrow, what, if anything, would you change about her death? Please be specific.

Question 8 – Based on your overall experience, how likely are you to recommend your mother’s death to others?

Question 9 – Would you like your eventual death handled in a similar manner? (Please note that we cannot guarantee a particular death for any individual. Your response is taken in aggregate and used as input for the larger pool of deaths worldwide.)

Question 10 – Do you have any additional suggestions or comments regarding the concept or process of death?

 

Thank you again for your involuntary participation in the circle of death and your voluntary participation in this survey of death. Your cooperation will be remembered when your time comes.

Neighborsac

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I invented a new word: 

Neighborsac noun  ‘nā-bər–ˌsak

A small neighborhood, usually of 5-10 houses, which exists entirely within a single cul-de-sac. 

Wherever You Are

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Far across the distance and spaces between us.

These were the lyrics being sung as I walked towards the bathroom. I didn’t immediately recognize them because the song was slowed down, sung by a man, and unlike I’d ever heard it before.

And perhaps because I’d had a couple drinks. The first was a Mai Tai, one of Trader Vic’s famous concoctions. The second, unfortunately, was a fruity, nasty thing. While the island-themed restaurant’s drink selection is “fun,” it’s not the type of thing I go in for.

The lyrics did click pretty quickly, though, and I smiled knowingly at a tiki god who listened quietly to the live band, his back pressed up to the bamboo veneer wall. He would keep my secret that I’d always liked Celine Dion’s Titanic theme.

The stage was on the way to the bathroom, so I got a look at the band. The lead singer was bald, and the intensity with which he sang the song made him look more than a little creepy. The scene was amusing.

Inside the bathroom, I found a urinal and did my normal thing. The twisted but familiar music floated in from the stage right outside.

Once more, you open the door.

Timed perfectly on these lyrics, the bathroom door opened, and the music grew much louder. I glanced over my shoulder to see Creepy Singer sauntering through the door, microphone in hand and still completely into the song.

And you’re here in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.

Alone in a restaurant bathroom with Creepy Singer crooning out My Heart Will Go On, I just cracked up. He slowly and emotionally walked to a bathroom stall and went inside.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we’re gone.

I stood at the urinal, alternately laughing and grinning like an idiot. Very shortly after, a friend walked in and approached a urinal. He saw my goofy grin and noticed the singing wasn’t coming from where he expected. I nodded my head in the direction of the peeing singer and cracked up again.

“What the?” was his understandably confused response. I just shook my head.

The toilet flushed and Creepy Singer emerged from the stall. He slowly emoted his way out of the bathroom, never losing concentration on his sweet song.

Near, far, wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on.
Once more you open the door,
And you’re here in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.

I just laughed and finished what I was doing.