It Was The Chad

(of course it was)

Quick Review: Incredibles 2

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(Spoiler Alert)

1. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the original, but the sequel strikes me as being very similar. Incredibles 2 did not seem different enough to justify its existence.

2. As one example of the above, the characters start out in the sequel pretty much just like they did in the original. In terms of character growth, the original might as well never have happened, because everyone was reset back to the beginning.

3. The story was standard. The villain reveal was obnoxiously predictable. The only parts I really enjoyed were Mr. Incredible struggling at home with the kids (especially Jack Jack). I could have watched a whole movie about that and skipped all the generic action.

4. A request: can we please, please all agree never to use weaponized hypnosis as a story plot ever again? I can see how hypnosis was mysterious and potentially scary back in, say, the 50s. But it’s 2018 – everyone should know by now that hypnosis cannot make people do things they don’t want to, and it doesn’t immediately (or ever) work by simply slapping swirling images in front of someone. The plot device is so stupid and played out.

5. All that being said, I do like the characters and the world and was mostly able to enjoy the movie. The scenes about family were great. The action and plot were simply bearable.

Jessie J and Crew Tackle Gun Rights With New Hit, “Bang, Bang”

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Pop music often serves as a dull lens on society, focusing a general lack of intellect into a two-and-a-half-minute shiny shell of senselessness. Whether it’s Adele pretending she’s some sort of super hero who can set rain on fire or John Lennon’s shallow “classic” about daydreaming to avoid the real world, pop music is about as introspective as a drunken conga line headed for a steep cliff.

That’s why it’s so refreshing to see a young group of songstresses put serious thought into one of the tough issues of our time. Artists Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj recently released an intellectual debate on the gun rights issue disguised in the form of a hit pop song entitled “Bang Bang.” In the catchy song, each of the three singers argues for a side, weaving their opposing viewpoints melodically through this enchanting dialogue of ideas.

What’s even more interesting is that, in true debate style, these artists don’t necessarily sing for the side they actually associate with. Jessie J, for example, represents the stiff upper lip of Britain in a headlining role, but she takes the brave stance of pro-gun-rights in the song.

[Verse 1 – Jessie J:]
She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time
She got a booty like a Cadillac, but I can send you into overdrive (oh)
(You’ve been waiting for that, stop, hold up, swing your bat)
See anybody could be bad to you,
You need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah

Jessie comes out swinging (or should I say shooting?) in her opening lines. Setting the stage for a true battle of intellects, Ms. J weaves literary metaphor with personal experience and down-to-earth logic.

“The gun is sexy,” she implies, “the gun is fast.” Every American can appreciate these basic truths. But guns are about more than sex appeal, and Jessie knows the true evil that lurks in humans: “Anybody could be bad to you,” and swinging a baseball bat is just not going to keep you safe in the modern world. “You need a good (gun) to blow your mind.” Yeah.

[Verse 2 – Ariana Grande:]
She mighta let you hold her hand in school, but I’mma show you how to graduate
No, I don’t need to hear you talk the talk, just come and show me what your mamma gave (oh, yeah)
(You’ve got a very big shhhh, mouth but don’t say a thing)
See anybody could be good to you,
You need a bad girl to blow your mind.

Next into the pulpit is Ms. Grande who speaks for the more liberal minded and, perhaps, optimistic crowd. Representing the educated elite (those who know “how to graduate”), Arianna expresses a strong confidence in the government (“your mamma”) to keep us safe.

As anyone can read into the lyrics, Arianna is basically saying, “Yes, the government gave you the right to carry firearms along with the right to free speech, but the founding fathers certainly never intended for you to have such a “big shhhh” (aka, fully automatic rifles) nor for you to speak your mind against just anything you don’t like.” Ever the optimist, Ms. Grande insists that humans are inherently good and should be treated as such until they prove otherwise (at which point your mamma will step in to protect you).

[Verse 3 – Nicki Minaj:]
(You know what girls?
Let me show you how to do)
It’s Myx Moscato
It’s frizz in a bottle
It’s Nicki full throttle
It’s oh, oh
Swimming in the grotto
We winning in the lotto
We dipping in the pot of blue foam, so
Kitten so good
It’s dripping on wood
Get a ride in the engine that could
Go, Batman robbin’ it
Bang, bang, cockin’ it
Queen Nicki dominant, prominent
It’s me, Jessie, and Ari
If they test me they sorry
Ride us up like a Harley
Then pull off in this Ferrari
If he hanging we banging
Phone ranging, he slanging
It ain’t karaoke night but get the mic ’cause I’m singing (uh)

B to the A to the N to the G to the uh (baby)
B to the A to the N to the G to the hey

See anybody could be good to you,
You need a bad girl to blow your mind (your mind)

Finally, ever the voice of reason, Ms. Minaj steps up to the mic and calmly puts everything into perspective. In a rubber-bullet-machine-gun burst of syllables, Nicki simultaneously embraces both sides and brings them in for a handshake. “We’re not so different in our views,” her lyrics imply.

I couldn’t make her lyrics any clearer, so I won’t bother with a line by line interpretation. Suffice it to say that Ms. Minaj once again appeals to all walks of life from alcoholics to swim fans to lottery winners to cat lovers to Thomas the train and Batman fans t0 bikers and even lonely karaoke singers. B to the A, indeed!

More than just a commentary on present day politics, I truly believe this song has the power to shape the future of our planet. No matter your views on the gun issue, a good pop song debate can make us all feel better about the over/under-abundance of weapons/self-defense-tools in the world.

And since all I’ve really done here is re-state the philosophies of three powerful thinkers, I might as well let these great ladies have the final say on the issue of gun rights:

Bang, bang into the room (I know you want it)
Bang bang all over you (I’ll let you have it)
Wait a minute let me take you there (ah)
Wait a minute ’till ya (ah)

Imagine that, John Lennon!

A Dragon*Con Virgin’s First Time

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I had the pleasure of attending my first Dragon*Con (DC) in downtown Atlanta this past weekend. I have been wanting to attend for years but never got up the gumption to brave the crowds, weirdness, and expense. Besides, I’ve been happily attending the fabulous Decatur Book Festival instead with my wife for the past several years.

This year, however, the wife gave me a free pass to go off on my own for a Saturday. She said she had school work to do, but I think she was tired of listening to my broken promises of attending DC and then my whiny regret for once again missing out.

With next to no planning, I got up early on Saturday and MARTA’d down to Peachtree Center to see what all the fuss was about. People were already gathering for the big parade when I arrived around 9am, but I had to register first. 

Registration gave me my first taste of the sad state of logistics and communication that is Dragon*Con. Having read the website registration FAQ, I knew that registration was at the Sheraton, but when I got there I found a hot mess.

Aliens, toons, demons, robots, and even some humans swarmed everywhere. Lines of bodies shuffled in every direction. I looked and looked for signage or some indication as to where to register but found none. I didn’t know what all the lines were for, but I assumed they were various panels.

Already lost, I made my way to a bank of doors but found them locked. As a group exited, I pushed my way in, hoping to find some guidance inside. Nope, just more people. 

A corridor led to a large ballroom set up in the style of Disney: rows of roped aisles that bent back on themselves over and over again. And again, more and more people. 

I’d found the registration room but also realized I’d come in from the wrong direction. I also got the first inkling that the 100,000 or so people milling around outside were in line to get into this room. Oops. 

Well, I didn’t feel bad enough to actually leave and go wait in a five hour line, so I walked to the head of the room and got into the line proper. Not much later, I was back outside, gaping at the amount of line I had inadvertently (mostly) avoided.

The day turned out to be quite enjoyable, given that I’d kept my expectations to a minimum and planned no further than getting downtown and contacting a couple friends who weren’t expecting me (thanks, Ryan and Michelle, for letting me tag along!). 

The costumes were the star of the show. The zaniness and variety of outfits and characters gave the whole convention an air of otherworldliness. Even standing in line was made more enjoyable because there was a constant parade of costumes to gawk at.

But most of what filled the day were panels (and the lines to get into them). First up was William Shatner. While it was awesome to see the legend in person, his talk was quite boring and rambling. The man just had very little of interest to say. 

Next was more Trek: a panel featuring The Next Generation characters Q, Warf, Troi, and Data.  I grew up on TNG, so this was a real treat. Even better, these guys were entertaining. Though they had little of value to say, they did so with enjoyable camaraderie. You could tell these guys were true friends.

A Fraggle Rock panel was fun, especially when they busted out the Red and Mokey puppets (muppets?).

One of the highlights of the day came next as we watched Mythbusters Jamie and Adam talk about what they do best: blow stuff up. Unfortunately, the panel was preceded by the low of the day: more terrible logistics.

It was explained to me by my experienced DC tour guides that lines usually started forming one hour before the event. However, people often showed up before the official line forming and congregated in a “blob.” That blob would then be reshaped into a line once things got official.

So, we found a group of people who were blobbing for Mythbusters, and we hung out for about half an hour or so. Eventually, we started moving, and we were excited to know that we’d be near the front of the line. 

Oh, how foolish we were. As we followed our fellow blob members, we exited the building and were surprised to see a line had already formed outside. Then we turned a corner and saw that the line was quite long. Then we turned another corner and another corner, and my jaw just kept dropping. We walked down the city block that the hotel occupied, passing a river of people and seeking its end. We turned the corner and walked almost another city block before finally finding it. When had this line formed? How were we supposed to know? 

We nearly gave up, all but certain that the ballroom couldn’t handle even half of the mass of people we’d just slogged past. Luckily, we persevered and were thrilled when we were admitted to the very back section of the ballroom. The stage was about 100 yards away, but we could watch the action on a giant screen above us.

<rant> 

Needless to say, the line logistics irked me. Not the length of the lines, mind you, but the lack of signage and communication about the lines. First registration, then my complete inability to even find the line for the Fraggle Rock panel (Turns out it formed by a locked, unmarked back door outside the hotel. How silly of me!). Finally, waiting in the wrong line/blob for Mythbusters as the real one got longer and longer.

The Dragon*Con logistics team can learn something from the Decatur Book Festival. Granted, DBF doesn’t have the size or crowds that DC has to contend with, but the DBF is run exceedingly well. Every stage has a stage captain with a stage team (all volunteers). The stages are  clearly indicated with excellent signage directing the way and labeling the entrances. The stage team is knowledgable and able to help guide you where you need to be. And one subtle but very useful detail is that the stages are all numbered sequentially – even though the venue names vary greatly because they are located in different buildings and businesses, one can simply refer to “Stage 3” instead of “Marriott Ballroom A” or “Stage 7” instead of “Decatur Recreation Center Studio.”

I highly encourage the DC team to contact the DBF team and have a pow-wow. I’m also available and enjoy a good logistics challenge, so feel free to contact me. ;) 

</rant> 

Moving on, my next panel was for Falling Skies. Though I love the show, the cast members in attendance were minor, and I ended up leaving early out of boredom.

Thus, I had some extra time before my final event. Wandering around the Hyatt, I stumbled upon a true gem: the DC art show. Amazing is the word that comes to mind. Tons of incredible fantasy and sci-fi artwork by true artists. I really enjoyed walking up and down the aisles by myself.

Luckily, the gallery closed and they kicked us all out. I say luckily because I just barely made it in for the last panel, and this turned out to be my favorite of the day.

Entitled “Who Is Jon Snow?”, we were warned as we entered that the event would contain spoilers and was meant for the book readers, not the show watchers. There were no celebrities, just two mediators who directed a group discussion about Jon Snow’s heritage and other mysteries of Westeros.

The attendees blew me away with their knowledge of the books and brought up some very interesting theories that I hadn’t considered (I realized how little thought I’d put into the book series when I heard these people discussing intricate details). I even had a pleasant surprise when one of my internal stereotypes was demolished as a redneckish guy spoke, southern drawl and all, very intelligently on the series and brought up an excellent point that had the whole room buzzing with excitement.

After that, it was time to head home. The lobby had filled up with amazing costumes and onlookers, but I had to say goodbye. The day had been a lot of work and a bit of tedium, but it was also a lot of fun. I don’t know that I could handle a whole weekend, but I’m looking forward to another one-day excursion to the fantasy, sci-fi, bizarro world that is Dragon*Con. Next year.

Bioshock Inception (Spoilers)

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Karen and I finally finished watching and playing, respectively, Bioshock Infinite this past weekend. My reaction to the much heralded ending closely mirrored my reaction to the equally “mindblowing” Inception.

**SPOILER ALERT FOR BOTH BIOSHOCK AND INCEPTION**

As the game’s ending unfolded, I experienced all the emotions that I was intended to: confusion as we walked through a sea of multi-dimensional lighthouses, surprise as I learned Elizabeth’s origin, disbelief as multiple Elizabeths confronted Booker, grief as the Elizabeths disappeared one by one, and hope as Booker walked towards the cradle after the credits.

The ending seemed sufficient enough, though I knew I had missed pieces of the puzzle. I immediately hopped on Google and searched for explanations and interpretations. I found plenty of details on what I’d missed or forgotten from earlier in the game. Things snapped into place and made sense, more or less.

But something didn’t quite feel right, and I was reminded of Inception. The movie was jaw dropping and hugely popular, but it, too, lost appeal the more I thought through its mysteries. The reason, I believe, is that these stories were not made correctly. Their purpose is not to tell a story that needs to be told, but rather to shock the audience with some insanely clever twist.

I picture a writer starting out with the question, “How can I surprise the audience?” Then the writing process happens backwards: “What if the hero turns out to be the bad guy all along?!? Then the hero has to sacrifice himself in order to destroy his enemy. Perfect! Now how could that happen? They could be versions of each other from different dimensions. Now we need some way of jumping between dimensions, so let’s create a character who can do that. Of course, we’ll have to limit her powers somehow, otherwise she’d just solve the whole mystery right from the beginning. And there’s all sorts of paradoxes and issues that come up with multi-dimensions, so we’ll introduce some arbitrary rules here and ignore some problems there.”

And so it goes, with the writer bolting on more and more story elements to the chassis that is the surprise ending. The surprise itself is so convoluted that a special world with its own rules is devised to contain it, and even the rules of that world have to be bent and stroked at times to make everything fit snuggly. Remember all the crazy rules in Inception? They were still introducing them well into the movie (“Oh, by the way, if we die in this particular dream, we die for real.”)

As the audience, we follow the story and try to accept the rules handed to us, arbitrary though they are. And in the end, it all pays off: we’re left with a brain-melting revelation which suddenly changes everything we thought we knew. Well, everything we thought we knew about the contrived world we were presented with.

And that’s the hollowness that I leave these types of stories with. I’ve been entertained, but I’ve learned nothing of consequence. I can now intelligently discuss whether or not Leonardo DiCaprio’s character was, in fact, still dreaming at the end, but I will not live my life differently because of the story.

This type of story telling is like a magic show. You watch the performer, knowing something amazing will happen, and it does. You’re entertained briefly, and you might even spend some time trying to figure out how the trick worked. In the end, however, you walk out of the theater knowing it was all B.S., and you move on with your life.

There’s nothing wrong with hollow entertainment. I partake in it all the time without writing overly long blog posts about it. What bothers me is when people hold up games like Bioshock Infinite and movies like Inception (read any other Christopher Nolan movie) as deep, meaningful, and provocative. It’s akin to people holding up Criss Angel as some special being because he can levitate.

By all means, let’s enjoy the experience, but let’s also keep in mind that we are watching a trick – a piece of entertainment – which works only in a specific, forced situation. Instead of crowning such media as “mindblowing,” “visionary,” and “a real mind f#@k,” let’s all just pick our jaws up off the floor, thank the performers for a good time, and move on with our lives.

Sorry ladies, the show’s over.