Write a letter to an agent telling her how wonderful you are.
Let me tell you a thing about myself
Dear Ms. Stuffenterkie,
As you are well aware, we live in a dark age of writing and reading. Over recent decades, the collective imagination of the world has dimmed, and those willing to call themselves writers have become fewer and more elusive. Transcripts are now an endangered species. The writing world has frozen over, leaving editors, publishers, book stores and agents like yourself scurrying over the ice-encrusted surface and digging furiously for any sign of paper with words on it.
Where are the books? Where are the authors? Will they ever return?
It is this scene, barren and hopeless, into which I make my appearance. Riding upon the back of a great mastodon, I clutch the beast’s thick, clumpy mane in one hand and the salvation of humanity in the other. Sad, shattered people gather below, so hungry for what I offer that they risk being trampled under mighty columns of fur just for a glimpse. Staring up, they see that I am not swaddled in heavy furs, for the cold of this age does not touch me. They feel it now, too. The warmth I bring radiates outward, and the melodic drip, drip, drip of melting ice begins and increases until it’s a rushing torrent of water flowing outward and away from this once tormented land.
I am the light-bringer. I am Prometheus. And in my hand is The Transcript.
And now The Transcript passes to you. It is up to you, Ms. Stuffenterkie, to spread this message of hope to a frigid world. I have chosen you as my messenger because I know what you are capable of. We all stand on the shoulders of giants, and you have represented many of those upon which I respectfully place my feet. Unlike the mastodons I wintered with, the giants you have nurtured are respectable authors like myself and heroes of ages past. Though I know the world is hungry to hear my stories, I desire to work with someone like yourself who will help ensure they are the best stories they can possibly be and that they find the right ears to help spread them even further.
Given the dearth of authors and transcripts in this cold era, I expect that your first instinct will be to phone me immediately to say, “Yes. Emphatically, yes.” But I ask that you please first read The Transcript I have set before you. Soak it in. Warm your bones. Harken back to the old days when stories were plenty and enjoyable. If my story can remind you of the glory days before the ice came, then – and only then – please contact me with your praise. Then, together, we can save the world and bring an end to this literary ice age.